Silent Reverie
by Fallen Althea
Summary: Faith's POV on everything that has happened in her life plus some childhood memories that both of the shows didn't bothered to show us and her speculation on her future now that she's behind bars. R&R!


Title: Silent Reverie  
  
Author: Althea  
  
Disclaimer: "Buffy" and "Angel" belongs to the genius god, Joss Whedon. Only the plot is mine. Also the poem "Death's Embrace" is also not mine. I just came across it on the web and forgot who the author is. Feel free to tell me if you know.  
  
Summary: Faith's POV on everything that has happened in her life plus some childhood memories that both of the show didn't bothered to show us, and her speculation of her future now that she's behind bars.  
  
Spoilers: Every "Buffy" and "Angel" episode with Faith in it. Also, I took some quotes from "Judgement."  
  
A/N: This is just a POV ficlet that I decided to write one day because I have nothing to do. There's no plot, whatsoever, but a lot of angst and drama. Tell me what you think.  
  
  
  
  
  
Silent Reverie  
  
Living in a world of tangible parts  
  
  
  
I am slowly decaying in self-pity  
  
I slip away deep into the unchanged decrepit earth  
  
Finding the key to my desire and happiness  
  
Without a whisper, I throw it into a sea of oblivious thoughts  
  
Locking myself forever in a world  
  
Without feeling, without hope  
  
Faith  
  
  
  
Locked away in this rotten, mind-numbing and sickening cell, I could almost kill myself just to end this torture that I bestowed on myself. I could almost feel my body and spirit giving up on any chance that I might be free to walk this earth like a did before. Without a care in the world, with only myself to take care of.  
  
But of course, there's the slayer thing.  
  
One girl in the world to fight evil and stop them from spreading. My job as a slayer is supposed to be to protect the people from these underworld beings that suck the life straight out of the living.  
  
But what can I do? The past is the past and there's no way that you can erase it. I can try to atone for your sins like what Angel is doing but I'm still drowning in self-pity to even try.  
  
I'm now in this boxed cell, looking at the peeling gray paint that surrounds me at all four corners thinking of all the things that I've done and what I'm supposed to do, what I'm destined to do with my wasted life.  
  
I could try to ask for forgiveness, forgiveness to all the things I had done to my 'friends' especially to Buffy who I think that I hurt the most, but God knows what she'd do to me once I even try to step five feet near her or Willow or any of the Scoobies. Not that I can fight her back, I could definitely kick her ass at any time of the day but that's not what I'm trying to do.  
  
How time goes so damn fast? One day, I'm this runaway slayer working for the mayor and now I'm this nobody who turned herself in jail to try and do penance for all her sins.  
  
I remember the time that I first came to Sunnydale. What a name for the 'mouth of hell' or as Giles might say 'Boca de Inferno'. I don't even know why the hell did they named a town like that 'Sunny-dale'. For one thing, it's not always that sunny and it's definitely not valley-like where people live happily ever after. Quite the opposite actually.  
  
The stench of urine is what met me when I first stepped on the terminal pavement of that little town. What a way to attract tourists. I was there on a mission to find the renowned Slayer to help her or something. But NOT to be her sidekick or anything like that. Not that she will need any more sidekicks with geeky Willow on her side and her other lapdog Xander Harris. Of course at that time, Angel, the vampire with a soul is still drooling over her following her like a sick puppy.  
  
I was trying to escape the pain of loosing my Watcher. Because of that stupid, stupid vampire Kakistos who took her away from me.  
  
She was the only one that I have. With no friends or family, she's the only one who is ever so dear to me. Then they too, have to take her away, like everyone else who entered my life.  
  
Buffy and I killed the damn vampire and for a minute there, I thought that I finally found a friend in Buffy and also her friends the Scoobies, wholeheartedly accepted me to their group.  
  
But that was before she practically ignored me the following days, protecting her boyfriend Angel. The Scoobies continued having meetings without me and they didn't even acknowledge the fact that I too was a slayer and that I'm supposed to know about what the hell is happening. It was then that I realized that I'm not a part of that group, that family or any other for a matter of fact, I'm a nobody. Just a nobody who's trying to make a difference in this damned world but the people around her keeps on pushing her away.  
  
After that, there was this impostor Watcher named Gwendolyn Post that supposed to replace Giles since he was fired from the Watcher's Council and there was this issue about some glove who can give tremendous powers to the one wearing it. I thought since he's the one who found the glove he's the bad guy, but it turned out that I was wrong. Buffy tried to defend her boyfriend so she and I fought one another and since we're both slayers with the same agility, speed, strength etc. nobody won.  
  
After that, nothing stayed the same. I tried to maintain my friendship with Buffy, if there ever was any friendship, but she just went farther and farther. But actually, it was just fine if she doesn't want to be best buddies, we're still civil to one another.  
  
Then on that one night.  
  
The night that changed my life.  
  
The memory is still fresh from my mind like it just happened yesterday. Buffy and I were hunting this blubbery demon that's supposed to wreck havoc in Sunnydale (what else is new?) and some vamps attacked us, we fought it as usual and I saw a figure underneath the shadows, I chased it and staked it. Buffy tried to stop me but it was too late. He didn't turned to dust, he just bled.  
  
And bled.  
  
And died.  
  
I didn't know. He was the deputy mayor named Alan Finch and when they found his body, I just went on denial for weeks and weeks, trying to scrub the bloodstain on my hands. Literally and metaphorical. Buffy tried to convince me to turn myself in, but come on! Is she crazy? I don't wanna go to jail and spend my life there like exactly what I'm doing today and probably for the rest of my life.  
  
I was a free child and that's what I want.  
  
What I want, I take and I have.  
  
Want. Take. Have.  
  
That's my motto and I stayed true to it, for whatever price I have to pay.  
  
The investigators found pieces of wood stabbed directly to his heart and the new Watcher Wesley Wyndam-Pryce (as irritating as he seems) pointed out that a slayer is the only one who can be the one who killed the deputy mayor, accidentally or intentionally. So I went to Giles and said that Buffy was the one who killed the man. He seemed to believe me but of course, whatever Buffy said is the one he believed. Not that she was lying.  
  
They tried to save me. To save me from destructing myself. Damn them! I thought. At that time really, I didn't need anybody but myself to rely on. I didn't know what the hell I was doing but I just know that I have to live my life as a slayer, free and on my own. I couldn't trust anybody because everybody is treating me like I'm some psycho that needs to be treated to a mental hospital or worse, jail.  
  
Angel of all people tried to give some sense to my decaying brain. He didn't succeed the first time. He said that he knew what I was going through, having felt the power of taking a life from another. He said that he can help me and then at that moment, I realized that he was right. I felt the power and it felt good even to my surprise. I felt invincible having super strength and power to destroy a soul.  
  
And I admit, I was starting to give up to my hidden emotions at that time and unexpectedly, Wesley the Watcher with two thugs came barging in the front door of Angel's mansion and unchaining my chained hands just to chain it into his own chains.  
  
Then I knew that if I'm not going to the city jail, the Watcher's Council are the one's who's gonna chain me up on some cell and keep me there forever. Maybe even kill me so they will have a new useful slayer instead of a man slaughtering one. I just could not take being cooped up in a room for the rest of my life and in just like that, I made up my mind. And in a minute or so, I escaped their custody snapping the neck of one of my capturer.  
  
Then after that, I sided on the Mayor. He treated me as his own child and for probably the first time, I finally had a family. Even if we're the 'bad guys' in Buffy's opinion, I don't give a shit. All I care about is staying in my family, protecting him and obeying his orders even if it consist of killing the slayer, her friends or his boyfriend.  
  
I did all of it without mercy and without any hesitation.  
  
I manipulated, I cheated and I played with their minds and hearts.  
  
And it felt good.  
  
Until I got a little carried away and shot Angel with a poisoned arrow from one of the rooftops while he and Buffy are (again) having a little hallmark moment with Angel going away or something.  
  
I didn't know that the only cure for the poison killing Angel slowly is a Slayer's blood. And if I did knew, I would be so happy to know because I knew that Buffy would do anything for her 'lover' even if it meant of letting Angel drink her blood. And there is this BIG possibility that Angel might drain her dry.  
  
What I didn't know is that Buffy would hunt me down because she prefers Angel to drink my blood instead of hers. Talk about true love.  
  
We fought and fought and for some reason that until now I haven't still figured it out, she stabbed me. Straight into the stomach.  
  
But I'm not dumb, I'm not stupid. I'm not going to let her win, so when I saw the truck approaching the rooftop where were fighting, I made up my mind and jumped.  
  
After that, everything went black and the hardest part of it all, when I wake up from my coma almost a year later, everything that I ever knew, and everything that I ever loved is gone. Destroyed. By of course, who else, Buffy.  
  
I was so enraged. How the hell can she do this to me? I woke up from months of sleeping in a coma and suddenly, Sunnydale High is nothing but a burned up building with just ashes inside it and the only person that I ever trusted is gone. Dead. Destroyed in his Ascension. All I ever knew in my life since I went to Sunnydale changed and the only person who cared about is now gone.  
  
I looked for them, I hunted them until I found them at Giles' house and damn, I was stunned.  
  
I woke up and found this blond slut isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beef-stick she meets and made him her new boy-toy. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. Me!  
  
I could hardly think straight with my anger but when that demon handed me this tape containing a message from the mayor and when I watched it, I finally had the strength to fight them all and turn them all to rotting corpses.  
  
We fought there on Buffy's house and for some reason, what that thing the mayor gave me switched my and Buffy's body. And I watched as the paramedics and the police pull the unconscious Buffy in my body to the ambulance to take her away for good. It was at that experience, that then I realized what I have been missing for so long. I admit now what I wouldn't admit, even to myself just a few months ago.  
  
I was jealous of Buffy Summers. I was jealous of the only girl I ever hated that much because of all the damn things she had done to me. What I didn't expected when I switched bodies with Buffy and started making fun of my new found power, is the unconditional love and support that she receives every damn day and the effect that it has on me, co'z I never had any of those things. I never experienced a mother's love, friendship, gratitude and even somebody (Buffy's boyfriend Riley) confessing that he truly loves her. But after that, things started to fall apart.  
  
I could not take it anymore.  
  
This girl, Buffy has everything that I ever wanted and still, she's complaining about minor things like this and that. She probably doesn't know how lucky she is being the little princess in her own world with friends and family always by her side. She probably doesn't know how lucky she is that she didn't grew up in a rundown street with drug dealers and murderers on every corner just waiting to strike. She doesn't know how it felt to be sexually abused by her own father and be neglected by her parents, to never had any friends and probably being a slayer is the best thing that can happen to her damn whole existence.  
  
She didn't experience any of that and when I'm in Buffy's body, I truly felt that I could be her. Take her place, her existence and make it mine. To finally felt what it's like to love and be loved in return.  
  
And this nonsense hopes and dreams just leads to the moment when it all came crashing down on my face. I'm not supposed to go to that church and save those people, I'm supposed to just wait until my flight comes up, board that damn airplane and just start fresh. It's just like something in my brain pops and I really felt like Buffy, being it my responsibility to protect the innocents.  
  
And when I arrived at that church, facing those vampires, as a slayer, as 'The Slayer', I felt invincible. Like nobody could hurt me, nobody would try because I'm Buffy, and everybody loves Buffy. But facing Buffy in my body is what made me snap.  
  
In a moment of crystal-clear realization, I finally saw the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be, as ironic as it may sound, the one who incidentally put me in the hospital in a coma and killed my father figure. I wanted to be Buffy as much as I wanted my freedom. I wanted to stay in Sunnydale and really be Buffy instead of going somewhere else in Buffy's body and live alone, again.  
  
It was then that I also realized that I'm disgusted with myself. Myself is the person that I least wanted to be. I don't wanna be Faith anymore. I don't wanna be loathed anymore with a great deal of passion by everyone I knew, to look anymore into hate filled eyes in everyone I see and to have everything I say dismissed into lies even if I'm actually telling the truth. I don't want to be a disgusting murderous psycho slayer bitch looking for revenge but deep inside, just looking for some love and care from the people around her.  
  
I just wanted to be Buffy and be loved like everybody else. Period.  
  
I hated myself that I even beaten my body up in that church with Buffy inside of it. I couldn't control my anger. I couldn't help pitying myself because I'm really pitiful, thinking that I could murder and slay and get away with it. I don't wanna be me anymore because I am nothing. Nobody cares or loves me and probably nobody will, and I hate that. I hate my bloody awful existence in this damned world.  
  
But of course, Buffy and her friends found a way to revert us back to our old self, our old bodies and when I'm back, to my old body and my old pathetic self. I fled. I fled as far away from them as I possibly could.  
  
For a week or so, I just wondered in some town outside Sunnydale, stealing money from people by snapping their necks and partying as hard as I could and maybe even dusted a few vamps who made the mistake of trying to attack me as their next meal. I was livin' large and five by five.  
  
Until I remembered that somebody. the vampire with a soul.  
  
The vampire who supposed to drink me dry if ever Buffy won the fight. (Well, she did actually won the fight but I was too clever to be her boyfriends next meal)  
  
I wonder what that brooding pair of fangs is doing.  
  
So I went to L.A. without any hesitation. But what met me is (again) what I least expected.  
  
I arrived in L.A. short of cash but thankfully; there are enough suckers in this world to target me as their next victim for their hideous crimes. This guy offers me a place to stay etc. and the sucker fell for my playing the helpless and just one punch is all it took to put that guy in a coma. (Believe me, not a very pleasant experience sleeping for almost a year) And just my luck, his wallet has some thick bills of cash, nice wheels and that cool leather jacket.  
  
So I continued on partyin' and partyin'. I didn't care who I hurt or insulted at that moment. I was drowning my hidden pain and sorrows by dancing my ass out and just deriving my thoughts unto something else so I can forget what I really wanted. I was my own world and nobody can take that away from me. I wanted everybody to hate me, I wanted to start a fight, start chaos because maybe somewhere in between, I'll get stuck in the crossfire and somebody might actually kill me.  
  
I wanted to end this never-ending torture that the world had bestowed upon me. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take anymore of this pain that I'm feeling ever since I hit puberty of being a neglected and sexually abused child with no friends or family. I just wanted to die and maybe go to hell. Who knows?  
  
And until now, I cant believe that I'm even thinking this but I'm happy that that stupid law firm Wolfram and Hart hired me to kill Angel. Not that I want to kill Angel that badly (a little maybe) but I needed the money and the protection that they're willing to pay me for, so I took the 'gig' with some of my conditions. I could really tell that they're afraid of me especially when I bashed the head of one of the lawyers on the table.  
  
Until now, I still could not forget how Angel managed to catch that arrow that I shot from my bow before it hit his heart and turn him to dust. I should have known that killing Angel requires more work than any average vampire. (Maybe because he has a soul? Does that make a vampire, like, more alert and stronger?) The gun 'gig' didn't work either when I broke and entered his office and shot him. I want him really pissed off at me because I knew that if there is somebody good enough (and maybe worthy enough to end my torture) it would be Angel.  
  
Because most people, how much tough they seem or they think they are, when directly in front of a choice between killing or be killed, they would chose the latter. They're afraid of the consequences and the act itself. And they should be.  
  
Then it hit me.  
  
How much more calmer can he get when he found out that one of his only friends are captured? By me. So I did as I planned. And it kinda worked. Angel did came before I truly got irritated by Wesley's bantering and I slash his neck by a broken piece of glass. Maybe it's a bad thing that I didn't get to slash Wesley's neck off, because if I did, I knew without a doubt that Angel would kill me without any second thoughts, then 'wish granted'.  
  
But then, I wouldn't have known what my real purpose in life is. What this world still have in store for me.  
  
Angel and I fought. Well, actually I just fought him. He just defends himself and threw punches once in a while just to keep me at bay. I remember what I felt like. I was so enraged that Angel didn't kill me, wouldn't kill me. My tears are starting to cloud my vision and I was getting desperate and desperate by the minute. Mixed emotions went through me while we fight at the street with the rain pouring down on me and I felt like it's the end of the world. I was so confused, so enraged and drowning in self-pity that I couldn't find the strength anymore to fight.  
  
Then I just collapsed.  
  
In Angel's arms.  
  
His arms are so welcoming, like he's been waiting for me to break down like I did even though the whole embrace in the rain is pretty awkward, for both of us. After that, he took me to his home and to my surprise asked me to rest. I really thought that he's going to bind and gag me. (But I would definitely fight him off if he tried)  
  
Flashes of me attacking and dusting him flashed through my head often while I was at that house, but then I realized that he did know what it's like and that he can really help me, if I just admit my mistakes and swallow my pride, which I'm ready to do. So I stayed there, killed a demon who's probably hired just to kill me, but while holding that knife and seeing that red blood, something inside of me just broke down and all my self-pity and guilt washed over me and I felt like I'm drowning. Drowning to my sorrows, pain, guilt and self-indulgence. Then again, Angel was there to take me into his strong arms and held me like I'm just an innocent little girl who didn't do anything wrong with her life.  
  
Then there was Buffy suddenly barging in and accusing me with those steely eyes thinking again that I was never going to change and that I was nothing to her. I tried to ask for forgiveness but she cut me off. She doesn't want to hear it. Thank God for Angel cutting in and saving me from Buffy's wrath because I could swear at that moment tears are starting to form on my eyes in guilt of having to hurt Buffy so much, including with sleeping with her boyfriend while I was in Buffy's body.  
  
I know that she's not ready to forgive me even now, a few months later after that incident happened. But something tells me that we can be friends again even if how long it took.  
  
The moment that the Watcher Council's assassins came to dispatch me, I knew I was dead. Dead in a sense that wherever I hide, wherever I go and whoever tried to help me, I'm still going to get caught or maybe even killed. I was wanted everywhere. The police are looking for me and so is the Watcher's Council. Everybody that I know in Sunnydale hates me and it will probably be months or years before they forgive me and be civil again to one another especially Buffy.  
  
The only hope I got is Angel and maybe Wesley, or even Cordelia.  
  
And I know what they want me to do. They all wanted me to change, to change for the better.  
  
So while I was at the rooftop, watching Buffy beat the crap out of the assassins sent to kill me, I finally made up my mind. I'm just hoping that I really made that right choice for myself and for the people around me.  
  
Even though they all hate me with all their guts, they're the only family that I had ever known in my entire existence. Angel, who believed in me, believed that I really have a chance to have a fresh start and that I can still change for the better, Buffy, who might never speak to me again, but she's the closest thing that I had come of having a real female friend, Willow, Xander, Giles and the rest of the Scoobies, maybe someday, things will be better between them and me, Wesley and the torturing, I never really had the chance to say sorry to him and thank him for that matter of not turning me in to the Watcher's Council even though I know that he didn't do it just because of Angel, and I'm actually looking forward of doing so and also for Cordelia for knocking her on the head and all the other things.  
  
There's so much to atone for and so much things left to do. I just hope that there's enough time in my hands to do it all. And maybe someday, some faithful day I would be free of this metal bars, free to walk again this earth and maybe still retain my name as the slayer.  
  
The slayer, the one person in all every generation specially gifted with special powers to get rid of all the evil in this world and stop them from spreading. And as I see, I already succeeded in defeating the worst demon that I've encountered. myself.  
  
So here I am again, locked away in this rotten, mind-numbing and sickening cell, I could almost kill myself just to end this torture that I bestowed on myself. I could almost feel my body and spirit giving up on any chance that I might be free to walk this earth like a did before. Without a care in the world, with only myself to take care of.  
  
But maybe things will be different.  
  
Maybe things will be much better, because now I know that angels truly exist even if I just thought of it just now after talking to my only visitor here in prison since I turned myself in.  
  
He might not think so but he is truly an angel, at least he truly is my angel, the one who saved me from myself and helped me in my most desperate hours.  
  
Now I find myself, thinking if we're ever going to make it, then I remember.  
  
// "The road to redemption is a rocky path" "That it is." "Think we might make it?" "We might." //  
  
We actually might.  
  
***  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: if you want me to write a sequel where Faith got off prison, just let me know. 


End file.
